Lies and Truth of Identity

Recently I read this little summary of Henri Nouwen’s ideas of ‘lies of identity’: these are common social and cultural assumptions by which we evaluate who we are, what our lives are worth—and so often the only way they really come to awareness is as we apply them to other people. In fact, what we are projecting is what we really think about ourselves. And this whole business is deceptive. That is in two ways. It is deceptive because these ‘values’ are not true, but also this whole process is somehow hidden from ourselves. We do not attend to what is going on here.

If we can bring all this out into the light, bring it to consciousness—as sometimes happens when we are having an argument with others, or with ourselves—then the truth can out and this truth really can make us free, as Jesus once said.

Henri Nouwen’s Five Lies of Identity

1. I am what I have.
2. I am what I do.
3. I am what other people say or think of me.
4. I am nothing more than my worst moment.
5. I am nothing less than my best moment.

(These are derived from his book, Who are we? Reclaiming our Christian Identity’.)

Another writer added:

• I am what I feel.

I think for many who work in education or people-orientated fields, professions and the like, there are nuances to all these, such as:

• I am what I have done, written, studied, etc., etc.

It seems clear to me that these are all statements about ways we derive some sense of worth and meaning in our lives, sometimes in self recognition and sometimes from others.

And this is not a bad thing at all, in itself. We live by what we value and we give our time, effort and commitment to those things. Nouwen’s concern, though, is that these things are not the ultimate foundation of personal identity and worth. He so often found very beautiful ways of simply assuring people that they (we) are valued unconditionally by our creator God. We are children of God and sisters and brothers of one another, all of us, in the family or household of the creator. The universe is our home because we are inherently gifted, valued, loved eternally. This is our fundamental identity and if we could remember this more and express it more in treating others and ourselves with this dignity, the world would be a radically different place.

I have spent some time trying then to turn these ideas around, towards positive affirmations. In doing this, I found myself returning to something I once wrote about when reflecting upon kindergarten children (when my own children were at that age and I was learning from them). Children inherently believe they have a future. At kindergarten they simply assume that one day they will go to school and there they know that one day they will go to High School or whatever it is called, and from there … From this simple reality I think we can make this positive assertion about our identity:

1. I am not finished. 

By this I meant to say that we are all a ‘work in progress’, all people with something to learn, and perhaps much to learn. More than that, whatever are our limitations now, whether in knowledge, ability or opportunity, is not the final story. We can change, even if it is to change the way we live with physical or structural things we can’t easily change, over which we have no control. We are not finished.

The second positive affirmation is implicit too and indeed is often denied:

• I have gifts, potential, something to contribute.

I have known people so profoundly damaged by a parent who said to them at some critical moment, ‘You will never be any good’. Sometimes this is the unspoken message implied when another person has such low expectations of us that they always correct us, clean up or change things from the way we did it. The opposite, positive affirmation is that I do have abilities, gifts and something I can contribute, even if it is not what some people expect of me or think I should be doing. The challenge is to believe in ourselves enough to find and value, and actually make that contribution. 

            Then I think we need to add some affirmations about what these things mean. 

• I can learn.
• I can give.
• I can receive.

Taken together, these are affirmations about how we can grow, to move beyond the negative self-assessments that so often limit us. To say I am not finished and I do have something to contribute will mean a willingness to learn and believe that I can learn, even if very slowly! Giving and receiving are fundamental ways of growing too. Many people who have been hurt find it hard to give and others find it hard to receive. Often, for whatever reasons, we have built barriers around ourselves, to try to ensure that we are not hurt again—and we can fall out of the habits of giving, or receiving, because both of them require trust, in others and in ourselves.

If, however, we are able to venture a little into the pathway of owning these truths, which will replace those ‘lies of identity’, we may discover something else, something most fundamental.

• I belong. 

That is to say, there is some place in the world where I can simply be. I can breathe. I can be me—and that means also there are some others who can be there too. I am with them. They are with me. I belong— and that means we belong. 

We cannot learn to belong without anyone else: this is essentially a reciprocal or mutual reality. Someone else, maybe just one person but usually more, also enjoys something of this freedom and life-affirming step, this reality of being at peace and feeling at home.

This I believe is the meaning of healing and salvation, in the biblical terms. It is about coming home to the realization that we are children of the universe and we belong to this home. It is not based on what we own or have done, nor is it limited to or by what people say or think of us. It is fundamental, unconditional, because it is the nature of reality. It is grounded in the gift of life itself and thus in the source of all life, the giving, living, eternal life reality, for which I use the term ‘God’. 

When things go wrong, as surely they do, when I lose my balance and sense of worth; or when I become over concerned that my achievements or brilliance is not being recognized as they should; or when I feel that nothing I do is worth a cracker, here is the grounding, the reality to bring it all back to balance, to its centre. We belong and are valued, for no reason at all. We are loved—and for this reason we are not finished and have gifts and potential, and can learn, give and receive—and we can affirm all this in each other, and in the universe around us. We belong.